Chapter 5

Ciel swallowed hard, her heart heavy. She had never talked about that part of herself with anyone. No one had ever really seen her struggle, the way she had tried to balance the expectations placed on her with the desire to be something more, something real.

“But you were there,” she whispered, more to herself than to Simon. “You saw me, even when I didn’t know how to see myself.”

Simon’s eyes softened, a warmth that hadn’t been there before. He took a step closer, his presence steady and reassuring, and placed a hand gently on her shoulder. “I’ve always seen you, Ciel. And I think... I think that’s what’s been drawing me to you all these years. I’ve watched you grow, watched you fight for yourself in your own way. I never wanted to push you, never wanted to make things complicated. But now, I can’t ignore what’s between us. I don’t want to.”

Ciel felt a lump form in her throat as she struggled to keep her composure. Everything about this situation was messy, complicated, and so completely unpredictable. But in this moment, with Simon standing in front of her, she couldn’t deny the connection between them. It wasn’t just attraction. It wasn’t just about the pain she was trying to numb. It was something deeper, something that had been simmering beneath the surface for years.

“Simon,” she said softly, her voice trembling, “I don’t know where this is going, or what it means. But I can’t pretend like I don’t feel it, too.”

Simon smiled then, a rare, genuine smile that reached his eyes. “We don’t have to know everything right now, Ciel. We can take this one step at a time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Ciel let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, the tension slowly easing from her shoulders. For the first time in days, she felt a spark of hope, a small flicker of possibility that maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t the end of her story. Maybe it was just the beginning.

The morning light streamed through the window, casting a soft glow over the room. Ciel lay in the bed, her mind a swirling mess of emotions. Last night had been a blur—a whirlwind of heat and desperation that left her feeling both alive and empty. The night with Simon had been intense, filled with moments of connection, but as dawn broke, the stark reality of what had happened settled over her like a thick fog.

She turned her head, gazing at Simon’s figure beside her. His back was to her, his body still and relaxed as if the events of the previous night hadn’t affected him at all. It was frustrating, infuriating even. How could he act like nothing had changed? How could he seem so... detached, when everything inside her felt like it had shifted, like something had deepened between them?

She tried to make sense of it. They had shared something undeniably real, but Simon? He seemed to be shut off from the intensity of it all, as if he’d compartmentalized their night into a box and locked it away in the farthest corner of his mind. Ciel felt a pang in her chest as she recalled the way he’d kissed her—passionate, but distant at the same time. There was a barrier there, something he wasn’t willing to let her in on.

Ciel sat up, pushing the thick blankets away from her and swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She looked down at the floor, her mind racing. She couldn’t let this go unanswered. She couldn’t keep pretending that last night didn’t matter, that she wasn’t feeling something deeper. And she couldn’t keep pretending that Simon didn’t mean more to her than just a brief escape from the crushing pain of her betrayal.

Taking a deep breath, she stood and began to gather her clothes, her fingers trembling slightly. Her movements were deliberate, but there was a weight to them that couldn’t be ignored. She had questions, and she needed answers. She needed to understand where they stood.

Simon stirred in the bed, and for a moment, she hesitated. She didn’t want to disrupt the fragile calm between them, but she couldn’t keep silent any longer. She needed clarity, even if it meant confronting the uncomfortable truth of their situation.

“Simon,” she said, her voice quieter than she intended, but sharp enough to catch his attention.

He turned over, his golden eyes slowly opening. For a moment, he just stared at her, his expression unreadable. He didn’t sit up, didn’t make any move toward her. He just watched her, as if waiting for her to say more.

Ciel felt her frustration rise, but she forced herself to keep calm. “Last night,” she began, her voice trembling slightly despite her best efforts, “wasn’t just a mistake, was it?”

Simon blinked, then slowly ran a hand through his hair, his expression becoming more guarded. “What do you mean?” he asked, his tone casual, though there was a flicker of something in his eyes that Ciel couldn’t quite place.

She crossed her arms over her chest, her gaze hardening. “You’re not stupid, Simon. You know exactly what I mean.” She paused, collecting her thoughts, trying to steady the storm inside her. “We both know it wasn’t just about forgetting. It wasn’t just about the pain. But it felt like... you weren’t really there with me. Like you were just... going through the motions. Was I just something to pass the time for you?”

Simon’s jaw tightened, and for a moment, there was a brief silence, as if the weight of her words hung heavily in the air. He finally sat up, his back against the headboard, his eyes still fixed on her but now with a more intense focus. “It wasn’t like that, Ciel,” he said quietly, though the distance in his tone was palpable. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. But last night... it wasn’t about what you think it was.”

Ciel’s breath caught in her throat. Her heart hammered against her chest, the frustration building to a breaking point. “Then what was it about, Simon?” she demanded, her voice shaking with the weight of her emotions. “Because I can’t keep pretending like this means nothing. I can’t keep pretending that it’s just some random thing that happened. You’ve been in my life for so long, and you’ve never been just some stranger. So why are you acting like you don’t care?”

Simon’s gaze flickered away from her, and for a moment, his expression softened with something like regret. “Ciel,” he began, his voice quieter now, almost apologetic. “I don’t do this. I don’t let people in. It’s... not something I’m comfortable with.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair again as if searching for the right words. “What happened between us wasn’t supposed to be anything more than what it was. I didn’t plan for it, and I didn’t expect you to start thinking it means something bigger. I don’t... I don’t do relationships. Not like that.”

The words hit Ciel like a punch to the gut. She had known Simon was emotionally distant, but hearing him say it so plainly, as if it were a fact of life, made her chest tighten with something like hurt. She swallowed hard, refusing to let the sting show. “So, that’s it?” she asked, her voice breaking despite her best effort to keep it steady. “You’re telling me that all of this—everything between us—was just some... temporary thing? Something you could just walk away from?”

Simon’s eyes met hers, and there was a flicker of something—guilt, maybe, or hesitation. “I’m not saying that, Ciel,” he replied, his voice softer now, but still holding that same guarded edge. “I’m just saying that I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know how to be what you need. I’m not that person.”

Ciel’s heart pounded in her chest, her mind reeling from the revelation. She had known Simon wasn’t the type to wear his emotions on his sleeve, but this? This was something else entirely. It wasn’t just his reluctance to open up—it was his refusal to even acknowledge that there might be something more between them.

“Why?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper. “Why are you pushing me away? We’ve known each other for so long, Simon. Why is it so hard for you to let yourself feel something real?”

Simon ran a hand over his face, his eyes closing for a moment, as if he was trying to summon the courage to answer. “Because I’m afraid,” he finally said, his voice low and thick with emotion. “I’m afraid that if I let myself feel... if I let you in... I’ll lose everything. And I can’t afford to lose anything, Ciel.”

The words hung in the air between them, heavy and unresolved. Ciel felt her chest tighten as she processed what he had just said. He was afraid. Afraid of losing control, afraid of letting go. But why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t they just face their feelings together, without all the walls and the distance?She took a deep breath, trying to steady her nerves. “I don’t know what to do with this,” she whispered. “I don’t know what to do with you.”Simon looked at her, his eyes searching hers, and for the first time, she saw a glimmer of vulnerability in them. But it was fleeting, quickly masked by the same distance he had always kept between them.

“Neither do I,” he replied softly

The silence that followed Simon’s words seemed to stretch for an eternity. Ciel felt the weight of his admission settle in her chest, the fragile bond between them teetering on the edge of something undefined and confusing. His words were like a door slammed shut, and no matter how much she tried to force herself inside, the space between them remained impenetrable.

She stood there, frozen, her emotions a tangled mess of frustration, confusion, and longing. It felt like she was caught in a storm, the wind howling around her, but Simon was a distant figure, unaffected by the turmoil that churned inside her. She didn’t know how to reach him—didn’t know how to break through the walls he had carefully constructed over the years.

But as she looked at him, she realized she was tired. Tired of trying to fix things that weren’t hers to fix, tired of battling against the distance that Simon so clearly kept between them. He was right—he didn’t do relationships, didn’t do emotional connection. So why was she still standing here, desperately trying to find something that wasn’t meant to be?

“You’re right,” she said quietly, the words slipping from her lips before she could stop them. “I don’t know what I want from you. I don’t know what I’m expecting. Maybe I was just hoping… I was hoping for something different. Something more.”

Simon’s gaze softened, but only for a moment. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but Ciel held up a hand, silencing him before he could say anything

“I think I need some space,” she said, her voice surprisingly steady despite the whirlwind inside her. “I can’t keep chasing after something that’s not there. I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay with this… this thing between us, this confusion. I need time to figure out what I want. And I need time to heal from everything that’s happened.”Simon looked as though he wanted to protest, but he said nothing. His silence was more deafening than anything he could have said. It was as if he was resigned to the fact that Ciel had made her decision. His gaze lingered on her for a moment longer before he nodded slowly, as though understanding the weight of her words.

“Take whatever time you need,” he said softly, his voice lacking its usual confidence. There was no teasing, no bravado. For once, Simon sounded almost vulnerable. “But just know… I’m here. Even if you don’t know what you want, even if I don’t know what I can give you, I’ll be here.”Ciel’s chest tightened, and she almost let the tears slip free again. But she swallowed them down, blinking rapidly to hold them at bay. “Thank you,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. She didn’t know if Simon meant what he said or if he was just offering words of comfort to make the moment easier. But it didn’t matter. She needed to walk away. She needed distance, even if it was only for a little while.As she turned to leave, she felt Simon’s eyes on her back, watching her every step. She could feel the weight of his gaze, but she didn’t turn around. She couldn’t. If she did, she was afraid she’d break.

She walked out of the room and closed the door behind her, the sound of it clicking shut feeling final, like the end of something she couldn’t quite define. Her heart ached with every step she took away from him. She had no idea what would happen next, whether she would find peace or if the turmoil would only continue to consume her. But for now, the only thing she knew was that she needed to be away from Simon. Away from the confusion. Away from the storm.