Chapter 3 003

EMILY

Ryan moved toward me slowly, every step measured and hesitant, as though he believed I might break if he came too close too quickly. 

His eyes were red, rimmed with exhaustion and grief, and seeing the pain in them made my chest tighten until breathing became difficult. He looked at me for a long moment before speaking, his voice quiet enough that I almost missed it.

"You hurt me, Emily. And I don't know if I can forgive you."

The words stole every bit of strength I had left. My vision blurred instantly, and I found myself nodding before I could force any sound past the lump in my throat. 

"I know," I whispered, my voice shaking as fresh tears rolled down my face. "I understand, Ry. I really do."

The sight of him trying so hard not to fall apart because of me was more than I could bear. A broken sob escaped my lips before I could stop it, and then another followed until I was crying so hard my shoulders shook.

Without saying another word, Ryan stepped forward and pulled me against him. His arms wrapped around me firmly, holding me close enough that I could hear the frantic rhythm of his heartbeat beneath my ear. 

One of his hands moved slowly up and down my back in an attempt to calm me, and I buried my face in his shirt, clutching the fabric as though letting go would send both of us crashing to the ground.

"Hey," he murmured softly. "Don't cry. Please don't cry."

"I'm sorry," I sobbed, my voice muffled against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Ryan. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted any of this to happen."

"I know," he answered quietly after a long pause, though the crack in his voice made me wonder if he truly believed his own words. 

Eventually, I pulled back just enough to look at him, my trembling hands resting on his forearms as I searched his face. The love was still there, but now it sat beside disappointment and hurt, and seeing all three reflected in his eyes made my stomach twist painfully.

"Ryan," I said softly, swallowing against the tightness in my throat, "we should talk. We should really talk about everything because I don't want us pretending this never happened. We can't keep carrying all of this around and hoping it'll disappear."

He held my gaze for several seconds before slowly shaking his head. "I can't do that right now," he admitted, his voice painfully honest. "If I start talking tonight, I might say things I can't take back, and I don't want my anger to be the loudest thing between us."

"I deserve whatever you have to say," I replied immediately. "If you're angry, then be angry. If you want to yell at me, then yell. I deserve to hear it."

A tired smile briefly touched his lips before disappearing again. "Maybe you do," he said. "But I still love you, Emily. That's the problem. No matter how angry I am or how much this hurts, I still love you, and I'm terrified that if I speak while I'm feeling all of this, I'll say something that isn't true just because I'm hurting."

Tears welled up again as I reached for his hands, squeezing them tightly. "I love you too," I whispered. "I've always loved you, Ryan. I don't think there has ever been a day when I didn't."

"You always cry like this," he murmured. "You get those little hiccups whenever you can't catch your breath. You probably don't even realize you're doing it."

A watery laugh escaped me despite everything, and I shook my head. "You still notice things like that?"

"I always notice," he answered without hesitation. "I don't think I'll ever stop."

I rested my forehead against his chest, listening to the rapid beat of his heart while trying to steady my own breathing. "I'm scared," I admitted quietly. "I'm scared you're going to leave me, and I don't think I'd survive losing you."

"I'll do anything to fix this," I said desperately. "Whatever it takes, I'll do it."

He looked at me for a long moment before gently shaking his head. "I don't need promises tonight," he said. "I just need you to stay right here with me for a little while longer."

"I'm here," I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."

His eyes softened as he leaned forward, pressing a slow kiss against my forehead before lingering there for a brief moment. 

When he finally pulled back, hesitation flickered across his face, and I could see the battle raging inside him.

He closed the small distance between us and kissed me, pouring every ounce of grief, longing, regret, and love into a kiss that carried all the words neither of us was ready to say.

Part of me wanted to stop everything before we went any further. I wanted us to sit down and finally have the conversation we had been avoiding. But the moment that thought crossed my mind, Ryan's arms tightened around me as though he could sense it. 

Without warning, he slipped one arm beneath my knees and the other around my back before lifting me effortlessly into his arms. 

A small gasp escaped my lips as instinct took over, my hands finding their way around his neck while I looked up at him. He didn't smile or tease me the way he normally would. 

He simply held me securely against his chest and carried me upstairs, each step deliberate, neither of us saying a word as the distance to our bedroom disappeared beneath us.

"Ry..." I whispered softly, unable to stop myself.

He barely looked at me as he answered. "Shh. Don't say anything."

When we reached our room, he lowered me gently onto the bed before taking a step back. For several long seconds neither of us moved. 

My heart pounded painfully inside my chest while my mind desperately searched for the right thing to say, but every apology suddenly felt too small for the damage I'd caused.

Ryan and I had always found our way back to each other without words. Whenever life became too heavy or conversations failed us, we somehow understood each other through closeness in a way neither of us could ever explain. 

With trembling hands, I slowly removed the rest of my clothes, never taking my eyes off him. I wasn't trying to tempt him. I was standing before the man who had known every version of me, choosing not to hide from him anymore. 

When I finally lay back against the bed, exposed in every sense of the word, I felt more fragile than I ever had in my life.

Ryan remained exactly where he was, watching me with an expression I couldn't begin to understand. Hurt lingered behind his eyes, tangled together with longing, confusion, and something else that looked almost like grief. After a long silence, he finally took a slow step toward me, his jaw tightening before he spoke.

His voice came out rough.

"Did he... has he ever sleep with you?"

I answered before he had even finished the question, shaking my head so quickly tears threatened to spill again.

"No," I said firmly. "Never. I swear to you."

He closed his eyes briefly, drawing in a slow, unsteady breath as though my answer had reached somewhere deep inside him. When he looked at me again, the tension in his face had shifted, though it hadn't disappeared.

"Turn around."

I obeyed without hesitation, my pulse racing as I faced away from him. The room fell silent again except for the faint sounds behind me as fabric shifted and a belt loosened, each quiet movement somehow louder than any conversation we could have had. 

A moment later I felt him step closer until his warmth surrounded me, and then his hands settled gently against my hips.

When he finally drew me back against him, there was a tenderness in the gesture that made my chest ache. 

Beneath that tenderness, however, was something heavier that I couldn't ignore. It felt like heartbreak mixed with longing, love tangled together with the fear of losing it forever. 

I closed my eyes, overwhelmed by the mixture of comfort and sorrow that washed over me, wishing more than anything that closeness alone could repair everything we'd broken.

"Ryan..."

He didn't answer.

When the moment finally passed, he remained there for several seconds, his arms wrapped around me exactly as they had been downstairs, holding me with a tenderness that made me believe, if only for an instant, that maybe we weren't completely beyond saving.

Then I felt him slowly let go.

I stayed where I was as he quietly got dressed behind me, listening to the familiar sounds of fabric, a zipper, and the soft click of his belt. 

I could feel his gaze lingering on me, heavy with everything left unsaid.

A few seconds later, the bedroom door opened.

Then it closed.

And he was gone.

I stared at the empty space beside me until my vision blurred completely, and a terrifying thought settled deep inside my chest with a certainty I couldn't escape.

I think I destroyed my marriage.